Unbreakable

Well, I'm like a month late but happy new year!! There have been a lot of things going on lately. I am back at school! Woooo! I love all of my classes!! My favorite class is most definitely my Accounting class. It's really nice and I enjoy it. It's my passion, love, and hopefully what I'll be doing for the greater part of my life. We have already gone over basic financial forms and now we are starting to learn how to record transactions in a journal and post them into the ledger. This class so far has been a lot of review, but it's totally different from all my other classes that are basically just review for me. So yeah, I'm a geek and I'm totally excited and I don't care because it makes me happy!! XD

I'm back at work as well. I have more hours which is nice to get paid more and such. I feel a little bad though because I only have Mondays, Wednesdays, and the weekends free. Yeah it's nice, but at the same time I can see Derek's point in that I really only have time to hang out with everyone when we are gaming. Our group usually has lunch during the week, but there are scheduling conflicts so I can't eat with everybody this semester. It's kind of sad. So I already don't see Travis hardly. I don't really see Jenna lately either because we aren't in any classes together this semester. She is also transferring after this semester so I'm sad that she's leaving but happy for her at the same time since she can be doing what she loves. As for Derek, we are in the last semester of Japanese together. It's a little bittersweet. To be in the last semester of Japanese is very exciting, but at the same time it's ending. :( I also won't have anymore classes with the friends I've made for the past two years. So first semester next year, my junior year, most of my classes will be in the business school. Spring semester next year I am hoping to be able to study abroad in Japan. Then I'll come back and only have a year left!!

I used to have this mask that I wore all the time. Since coming to college, I haven't really been able to wear it. I think it is a very good thing. Before I came to UNC I was able to separate my life. I would have three different, well I guess you could call them personalities. I would be the good student that was always smiling and got good grades and got along well with most of the teachers and principals and office personnel. At home and in band I was a little more myself. I would let go a little more than when at school, but in band I would start to show myself. I don't think I ever truly was myself unless I was by myself. Even my parents didn't know what was in my head a lot of the time. I am a very independent and self sufficient person. When I first got to UNC I tried to keep up my "charade" and wear the mask. I've come to realize that in front of some people that I still have pieces of my mask on. It was too much effort to always be wearing my mask so I ended up just taking most of it off. First semester this year I was the most comfortable with myself than I have ever been. It was nice. But this semester, subconsciously I'm putting the mask back on. I can feel myself always smiling and acting like things are fine, but they aren't. I don't really know what is going on, but I just feel like something is off.

So for gamer's guild Derek is running a Star Wars campaign and I am playing Zsadist again. He is such an amazing character and he is the most developed for me. This week on both Monday and Wednesday I completely and utterly sucked. I was second guessing myself and not sure what to do and freaking out. For some reason I was really, really nervous. In our usual after section talk, Derek mentioned that I didn't do so well. He was trying to be nice about it, I could tell, but I just totally was the worst role player ever. And I felt bad for Zsadist. It was like everything I had learned and all the progress I had made in not only role playing, but in life was being ripped out of my brain.

I know that one of the things bothering me lately is next Friday, January 30th. It's weird. I thought I was over it and moved on and was healthy, but a couple nights ago, I broke down in the shower and realized that this whole time, 3 years, I have just been acting like I have finished grieving and am doing things properly (part of the mask thing mentioned above). NOT AT ALL! I just want to be selfish. I want things to have not happened at all, or in the way they did. I still feel guilty and horrible about those two days. I just want someone to tell me it's okay and how to get rid of these feelings. I don't want to have to wear the mask, but I know that if I take it off, especially next Friday, that things won't be the same. My head is such a mess right now. I can't even straighten things out.

I've been having really weird dreams lately. Really disturbing dreams that wake me in the middle of the night in a cold sweat and fearful. I haven't been screaming, but I know that if they continue like they are then it'll get to that point. These dreams have really been giving me thoughts of my own worth in this world and my purpose in life. I don't know what either of them are. I have no idea. I wish I knew. On top of that, shower time = break down time. I feel like crap, especially in a communal bathroom, but I need to have that time. At least I tend to take showers along the late side so not many people come in hearing some person sobbing in the shower. I've also been having issues with my disease lately. It's really bothering me. I just sometimes wonder why certain things didn't work out the way I wanted them too in the past. It's weird that things have come to this again. I think part of it is the fact that my roommate is gone for the week. This way I have the chance to be alone. It's nice. I get along with Face fine, but I am definitely liking the solitary as usual.

So next year I am hoping to have my own apartment. I am hoping to get one that I won't need a roommate for, but I guess that my choices are kind of limited if I go for choices like that. I really want to have a campaign next year and to do dinner at the same time. I've worked a lot on my campaign last semester, but as usual I am second guessing myself. It doesn't matter that I really want to gm, it's just that I'm afraid of totally sucking. On the other hand though I don't really want anyone to know I have worries like that. So again I am drawing into myself. I just wish I do a system restore point on my brain. Bring my brain back to my mental state last semester and have everything be better. I guess I just need to figure out what I need to do to get everything straightened out. I was thinking of going to a therapist or support group or something, but I just feel nervous. I don't really want to talk about things. I just want to keep them hidden and be the business student that gets the good grades and gets along with the teachers and hangs out with her friends and doesn't seem to be affected by any of the small things. In truth, I do get affected by the small things, but I tend to bottle and mask so nobody knows.

So I guess I'm done with post for the night. I got a lot of things off my chest. Had my eyes get watery a couple of times, but I feel a little better. Like maybe 1.5%. Something like that. Anyway, thanks for reading my little rant and sorry if it's a little bit of a poor me session. I didn't really mean to do that but I just needed some sort of outlet and I guess this was the chosen way.

Thanks again for reading,
Stasi